


Pride

by kingster



Series: Pride and other stories [2]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Implied Relationships, M/M, Season/Series 04, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 08:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingster/pseuds/kingster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Juice lost and regained his pride. Spoilers up to S04E07.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pride

There are few times in his life when Juice has been proud of himself. From his life before the MC it can be summed up to the first time he hacked something he thought was way out of his league and walking away from it clean, and that time he beat up a guy that tried to rape a girl he went to school with. He didn't even know her that well. He just heard a friend of her talking just after it happened, the way she described how he had ripped out chunks of her hair when she tried to get away. It stuck with him. He caught him alone one night walking home, beat him up, and never told anyone. Got away from that one clean, too.

   
Everything goes to shit for Juice the second Roosevelt shows him the picture of is father.  It's just an old photo of a guy who doesn't deserve to be remembered, but it represents so much more. It represents him without his MC. Which is probably the single worst scenario Juice can imagine. It's the first time he feels his loyalty waver.

  
Juice is proud to be in the MC. He's proud to be loyal to the MC. That's the worst part about working with Roosevelt: leaving his pride. He used to love it, all of it. Now he just feels like shit all the time. Sometimes, when Juice can see that Chibs is worried about him, he gets a glimpse of the feeling of belonging  he used to have, but it quickly goes back to him feeling rotten when he continues to lie to him. Chibs even comes over to Juice' house one evening and asks him what's going on, and Juice almost gives in and tells him everything. He feels the panic rise and comes up with some retarded excuse. "You know I love you, brother?" Chibs says, and Juice has to dig his nails into his hand to keep his game face on. When he closes the door he's so ashamed he thinks he might die.

The worst part, though, is when Clay gives him his 'man-of-mayhem' patch and tells him he's earned it.  It's probably the first time he's truly felt that Clay has approved of him, and it just breaks him.

  
He's told to go to back to the warehouse with the truck. He doesn't. He drives straight home, turns off his cell. He keeps all the lights off and locks the door.  He sits in the dark, tracing the embroidery of his patch with his fingers. After a few hours he can see everything clearly: his fear of being without his MC family could end up ruining SAMCRO. No matter how he twists it and tries to defend his actions, blaming RICO and telling himself they would have found a different way in, it all comes down to his fear of being alone.

  
His  first proud moment in months when he decides to do something about it: He won't live without the club, but the club will live without him. He's calm when he sets everything up.

The branch he tries to hang himself from can't bear the weight of it all and breaks. He's part frustrated for not being able to kill himself, part  relieved, cause he doesn't really want to die.


End file.
